Communication and cultural aspects
In our culture women are always suppose to be lower than the man. Despite the financial and education background of a woman; she should respect her husband in every aspect. He should have the last word, he should make the big decesions, and maintain his ego/pride in every situation. Some men do not apply to this because their wives have managed to take over the whole relationship. These men are frowned upon and people stay away from these women. These women are considered "dangerous" and highly influential on a women's submissive character (if she even has one).While other men accept fairness in marriage and are considered "modern". Nevertheless, my husband and I were raised in different settings and environments.
He was raised in a traditional home where his mother had high respect for his father. She maintained her image by remaining faithful, refraining from gossip, upkeeping her home, cooking delicious meals, working hard to provide for her family, and most importantly being there for her children. She spent a lot of time with them, especially my husband. He developed his confidence, pride, and wisdom from her influence. He was taught to always be the "man" in the marriage. However, she also encouraged him to help his wife. Lastly, she said that if a woman abuses your power, then make her work for your respect. He took her words to the heart! Also, despite her martial problems with her husband, she was a true fighter in silence. On the other hand, I grew up in chaos.
My mother was also a fighter, but in the literal sense. She always communicated without thinking about how the other person would feel. This is where her blunt character comes in. I always forgave her because I love her, of course. I understand the origin of her harshness and tough love. My point here is, I grew up in a home where my father's addiction was the reason why my mom would "punish" him with a flood of disrespect. As a result, I also did not have respect for him while growing up. When I married, I thought I would be everything but like my parents.
Reality sank in when I was sitting alone after my husband stormed out the house because of a big fight we had. It became all clear to me then. "I am a spitten image of her.. her... her.. my mom". I have improved my communication skills compared to the first year of marriage because of therapy and one year of seperation from the marriage. However, I have a long way to go. My husband fight's for his respect while I am natural controller, like my mom. We are like opposite forces that love each other and bump heads often. It isn't healthy but love is our foundation. I plan to really work on the communication effectively.
My first step is to create rules and some structure written visibly where even my guests can see them. Here is my idea:
No cursing
Never bring up the past
Never bring up parents in arguements
Don't keep pushing buttons on certain subjects...
If one is mad, try to understand that he/she is mad at the situation more than you. Example;Him: why isn't dinner ready?
But deep down he's just so hungry!!
When one is mad, leave the god dam house! Go for a walk or the gym. If it's late play music on headphones. Oh and no talking under your breath...
For me- when I want to yell about the house being out of order, just ask for help nicely. Please (nice word), I am feeling tired can you help me with___, I would appreciate it. Thanks.
Make chart of what needs to be done chip in without asking.. (working on this!)
No judgement talk at least once a week where one partner talks freely about how they feel with a lot of "I" statements and the other just listens.
Make "I" statements your primary language. Example: I feel___ because___.
Try to have positive body language all the time
Whoever comes home first, greet them with a hug/kiss or both :)
Ask how was your day, often..
Go on date night at least twice a month to continue working on communication skills
Do activities together, instead of always in groups..
Ok that's enough this may take a few years but what the heck lets give it a try!